Day 27: Released

101 hours down

Released

My sentence is over and I have been released... my thanks to Mitzy Shino, my operator, who was absolutely wonderful for me!!! :)

The last hour was odd (actually, the last two... since I almost finished my last hour, crashed, then had to finish the last hour again :P).

The best way I could describe the feeling was how I felt when I left for college... nervous but excited.  I spent my time visiting my old Bane haunts, taking some last pictures of myself as a Bane, and reflecting on what tomorrow will be like.

When I was finally released and sent on my way, I felt...

Exhausted.

I underestimated the emotional toll of being a Bane.  But, now, I feel excited... like the first beautiful Spring day on the horizon.

Day 26: Eudeamon

100 hours down

1 hour to go

"Quit Second Life"

Much has happened over the last day or two.  Without giving away any secrets of the banesuit or Banishment Program, I can said that I have found Eudeamon.  Our relationship is in its very infancy, and we are just beginning to acquaint ourselves with each other, and now I realize it is my time... my time to leave the Program.

I purposefully tacked on some protocol violations earlier, for more time to spend with her.  But, with the benefit of the late hour (and a few generous glasses of wine :P), I realized it is time for me to move forward.  I may have a couple of extra hours to serve because of the violations, but the end of the Program is near.

What is next?  I just don't know.  I ~do~ know that there ~will~ be a "next."  I don't know what that will entail, but I do know what it will not, at least initially.  Trust.  I have been in SL for over a year and a half now, and have certainly had my share of propositions, and my share of interests.  But, there has only been one that I have loved, and allowed myself to love.  To be completely vulnerable to.  She promised me she would never abandon me.  I trusted her word completely... and she abandoned me.

So, I suspect it will be awhile... if ever... I trust someone with my heart again in SL or make myself so vulnerable.  Sometimes SL really is too similar to RL.

It will also be awhile, if ever, I wear a collar around my neck again.  Although I have learned (well, confirmed :P), that I truly am a submissive, and suspect I will continue to enjoy play like that, someone else's collar is simply something I cannot envision looking at around my neck right now.

In the meantime, there are friends, old and new, I ~so~ look forward to growing closer to when I am released.  I will write an epilogue when I am finally released -- my thoughts about the Program and me -- but, for now, I will say that I have learned that I am a person that has a real need to trust people, and a real fear of doing so.  My close SL friends are those who I truly feel I can rely on... and I will.

*hugs to you all*

T-6101

Day 24: A Turn for the Worst

87 hours down...

14 hours to go...

...and I am wondering what happens next.

To anyone on the outside, the answer would seem simple... freedom... yay!

But, it's not that simple.

I'm starting to realize that I am a bit afraid to return... I've grown accustomed to being a Bane... I would be lying if I didn't admit that the idea of seeing "me" again and going about my "normal" life didn't feel a bit weird to me.

Then there is my custodian, who has a strong opinion that I hate her.  I want to reach out to her... to let her know that I don't hate her... but I don't know how to... all of my efforts have failed. :(

14 hours to go... and alot of decisions to make in the meantime.

Day 20: Friends

I was going to title today's blog "A Simple Update."  But, a relatively new friend, Whispers, sent me a quote today that was a calming clarity while being emotionally tossed in a tempest.

Thank you, Whispers... thank you. :)

"Three Types of Friends"

By Anonymous

There are three types of friends: a friend for a reason, a friend for a season and a friend for a lifetime.

When someone is in your life for a reason, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. S/he has come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. S/he is there to meet a need. Then without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, s/he will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes s/he dies. Sometimes s/he walks away. Sometimes s/he acts up or out and forces you to take a stand. What we must realize is that the need has been met.

When a person comes into your life for a season, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. S/he may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. S/he may teach you something you have never done. S/he usually gives you an unbelievable amount of joy.

Lifetime relationships teach you lifetime lessons. Those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. You must accept the lesson, love the person/people anyway, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.

76 hours down

25 hours to go

Day 18: Miss Trixie

It took awhile to get around to writing this blog.  The main reason I entered Banishment.  Spikey knows.  Most others do not.  A friend sent me a message, describing her relationship with a significant other.  I copied it, below.  It made me think that it was finally time to write this blog.

-------

“Yes, what ____ and I have is extraordinary… What sucks is we maybe get 1 or 2 overlapping hours together In World. And of that, _____ is usually working during at least half of it. I don’t want ____ to alter or adjust anything - it just is what it is. And so, when I am on and _____ is on, _____ gets my undivided attention and presence. 

That means I have a lot of other time, to wander around, and get into trouble, and doing so all by myself can get boring, and fast.

________ and I have talked about this issue, and agree, that as long as we remain loyal to each other when we can simultaneously be on, then ANYTHING else we do during all that other time will serve, for lack of a better way of putting it, to make us more enriched, happier, well rounded individuals.

 -------

Fill in the blanks with “Miss Trixie” and you may start to understand why I am where I am.  It has been about a week since I wrote this.  I could not post it until I could get by reading it once without crying.  I have just now, barely, reached that point.  Well, not really.  But I think it's time... that I finally need to post this.

I met Trixie Attenborough a little over a year ago.  On June 27, after a good deal of begging and groveling on my part, she locked her collar around my neck… making me her pet… her only pet… her girl.  For those not familiar with BDSM… I was her submissive… and she was my Mistress.

We did not share a traditional SL D/s relationship for long.  Although I was always her pet, first and foremost, we eventually fell in love with one another.  Our months together were pure bliss.  Miss Trixie’s happiness was my happiness.  Thinking of ways to make Miss Trixie smile was my joy.  Fondling the name tag on my collar… “Trinity, Owned by Trixie”… was Miss Trixie’s joy.  Beyond friendship, our times together were erotic beyond description.

RL time constraints started becoming quite demanding.  Miss Trixie realized she was not around as much as we both wanted her to be here.  She gave her girl free reign to do “anything” she wanted while she was offline.  Miss Trixie’s only condition was that her girl always keep her collar on.  To have such freedom, I learned from a number of other Masters and Mistresses, was quite an unusual gift.  Many commented on how special our relationship must be for Miss Trixie to permit that.  They were right.

Miss Trixie was truly one-of-a-kind and very much touched the lives of those whose paths she crossed.  Whenever we traveled in her circles, friends or strangers would merely introduce me as “Trixie’s girl.”  People automatically knew who I was.

“Trixie’s girl.”  I cannot even describe how proud that made me.  You need to understand, Miss Trixie was never the prototypical leather clad dominatrix.  When not in her “proper” equestrian attire, she most often dressed as if she were off to afternoon tea or, other times, a business meeting.  Underneath her outfits, however, was a very strict, but loving, Mistress.  I loved how high class she was… in turn, it made me high class by definition… not just another pet on a leash that is so often found in SL.

RL times constraints grew even tighter… oftentimes I would stay up until 2 am or later RL time just in the hope of seeing her come online.  Oftentimes she would be busy responding to notecards from business partners, but would always make time to see me or IM me before heading to sleep herself.  One or both of us would sometimes start nodding off while at our computers.  I learned from Spikey that, in the end, Miss Trixie’s inworld time was so limited that she could only have time to send “her girl” – me – a notecard.

Even after a week or so of absence, she would always came back to see me.  After her absences, she would remind me that she would never abandon her pet… and highlight that she wanted me to know that.

Things changed a couple of months ago.  After no word from Miss Trixie for several days, I checked the “last login” date for her in several groups where we shared membership.  She was no longer listed.  Miss Trixie’s profile was still in SL (at least under the “new” search option), but her listings in group profiles was gone.  I contacted several of her friends, but no one has heard from her.  The past couple of months… my eyes helplessly darting to the right bottom of my screen everytime the blue box popped up to announce a new friend logging in… compulsively scrolling down my Friends list to “T” to see if Miss Trixie was online every time I logged in… have been excruciating.   I suspect I will never stop looking for her name in bold on my friends list.

I recently thought about trying to contact her in RL.  Over time she disclosed details of her life to me that allowed me to figure out who she probably is.  An online directory of attorneys helped.  I thought the better of it, though, as Miss Trixie tried hard to keep RL and SL separate... at least with respect to identities.  One important lesson Miss Trixie taught was that there is no separating RL and SL emotions.  I realized I would just be contacting her purely for selfish reasons.  Either Miss Trixie’s RL had become so busy in a good way that she no longer has time to fit in SL or something devastating happened to her.  I have chosen to believe the former and believe in my heart that she is very happy right now… I could not bear to believe otherwise.

Anyway, several months ago, before Miss Trixie’s absence, I swore to myself that I would permanently sign off of SL if she ever left.  She was my everything in SL.  “Trixie’s girl.”  I could never envision continuing without being that.

She doesn’t know this yet, but Spikey was the sole reason at one point that I did not just leave for good.  She “paid it forward” (she knows exactly what I mean) and, since then, I have been finding more reasons to stay.  Nonetheless, a huge part of my identity… my very being… has been lost.  I know some friends want me to stay, but at the same time I still felt a strong urge just to let SL go.  I’m looking for a way to cope with what my mind has known for months but my heart refused to accept… Miss Trixie is gone.

Banishment has been my opportunity to be inworld, without actually “being” inworld.  Trying to find the way to move on.  Finding the courage to be without Mistress.  Whether my SL life will continue without a Mistress… and whether I would even want another one.  There are very few genuine dommes in SL… now there is one less.  What I do know is that the friends I have keep me moving forward.

Banishment is a safe place for me now.  A place where I can weep in peace.  A place where I can travel to “our” past spots and reflect on the loss.  A place where I can withdraw for a time.  A place where I can try to come to grips with speaking of Miss Trixie in the past tense.

Your girl will always love you, Miss Trixie… you always made your girl happy.

Day 16: Waiting

I am stuck waiting now... waiting for my punishment to end.  Having almost reached peace with what I was searching for, I'm about ready to be released... to renew old friendships and develop new ones.  For anyone reading this... wondering about being a Bane... make no mistake... it is hard. 

My custodian has been going haywire, but has been able to repair itself, allowing me to continue my sentence without interference from the lab.  I had heard rumors from others about the custodian acting weirdly.  Looking forward to no more voices in my head.

I have started thinking about my release.  One of the oddest things, I think, will be actually ~seeing~ myself again.  I've grown so used to the shiny yet featureless black image.

60 hours down

41 hours to go

Day 13: Equilibrium

I made my way half-way through my sentence today... coincidentally odd, because I have been feeling less like I am running away from something... and more like I am starting to walk (in a very slow, meandering type of way)... towards a new life.

Thanks to my Operator... who is very attentive and sweet... and thanks to my friends... who are the absolute best. :)

51 hours down

49 hours to go

Day 11: Tears

It has been quite an emotional day.  I have been working for awhile on a blog to post here.  It’s finished, and I was planning to post it this evening, but too much happened.  Another day soon. Tears of sorrow.

I finally made contact with my friend Fi.  She has never seen me inworld other than as a Bane.  I danced for her as only a Bane can.  She danced in response.  Rudimentary communication, but the best one can do as a Bane.  Tears of joy.

Later this evening, I found my friend Spikey (or, more appropriately, she found me).  I’m not sure Spikey knows how much I feel for her.  She “wrote” words of encouragement to me… just her being there made me smile.  At the same time, while I treasure her friendship, I realize it will likely never be more than that.  Tears of joy and sorrow.

Being a Bane is tough.  Tough because it highlights the world… and our relationship to it.  For better or worse… or better and worse.

My custodian went haywire earlier today… I dare not speak of it, though.  I’m sure it will fix itself.  It had no problems with protocol violations this evening… another hour added today.

54 hours… 55 hours… not much of a difference at this point.

Day 10: The Challenge

I had my reasons for entering Banishment… the main one which I am sure I will blog on eventually.  I am missing more and more the contact with friends.  My operator visited me yesterday… the first inworld contact I have had in what seems forever.  I had to control my overenthusiastic excitement at actually having a few minutes to communicate with someone.  The moments I have spent with friends visiting me… reminding me of their love and support… have been wonderful, but no substitute for actually chatting with someone, or feeling their embrace.

It leaves just one… one… thing?... I honestly do not know what to call it anymore… that I can communicate with.  My Custodian.  It has been acting odd recently, kind of erratic.  But the one thing it does continue to do is punish without mercy for protocol violations.  Last night before going to bed, I fantasized about running up a series of protocol violations… and the feeling of the anticipation of hearing back from my Custodian with my punishment… evidence that it heard what I said and had a response.

I did not succumb and tallied up no violations during the weekly report.  The challenge is keeping that strength… to avoid harming my fate by seeking the only means available to obtain fleeting relief from my isolation.

 

40 hours down

59 hours to go

Day 8: Oddities

It’s been a few days since my last entry… things have been going a bit unexpectedly.

A couple of nights ago, I was awaiting my weekly update.  I ~knew~ I was going to be punished… I had pressed the limits a bit too far and received several protocol violations.  I actually was looking forward to it… there was excitement in being so helpless and knowing that punishment was coming.  My Custodian did not disappoint when the time came.  One additional hour of banishment.  I actually became very aroused… feeling my body respond… when the punishment was issued.  Mind you, I am itching to get out.  But for that moment… it made me wet to be forced further in.

My Custodian has been acting a bit odd.  I thought for sure I was coming close to Eudeamon.  However, I was punished for a series of violations (not arousing at all this time)… reminding me that I have no idea if I am getting closer to Eudeamon, or even on the right path at all.  I can say… there is a struggle going on with my Custodian, but I can reveal no more than that.

A quick wave to all of my friends who have sent their support, and a special heart in the sand for Spikey and Fi… can’t even tell you how much you both have meant to me through this! :)

32 hours down

67 hours to go

Day 4: Learning What It Means to be Wet

Banishment is about isolation, but more than that.  It is being isolated… in the midst of everyday life.

I see friends log on and log off… passing through SL without me being able to contact them or them contact me.  Every so often I receive an IM from a friend.  It’s blocked, just leaving me to wonder what they are trying to say.  Group notices come through… teasing me of events that are happening, but which I cannot attend.  The experience is painfully like the novel.

So, I’m settling in for the long haul.  Every day I have come across words of encouragement from my friends written in the sand.  They mean a lot to me… thanks. :)  I certainly do miss all of you.  At the same time, though, there is a part of me that is enjoying the time… watching the world unfold without being involved in it… kind of like a fish learning that it is wet.

Day 3: Trinity vs. the Custodian

For those of you who do not know, the Custodian is my warden… monitoring my activities and behaviors… punishing me for protocol violations.

I am sure the Custodian would like nothing better than for me to sit idly in a corner of the world, like I see many other Banes do at the KTI facility, idly letting their sentence run its course.  I ~will not~ be one of them.

I have decided to treat myself to a world tour… to take ownership of my banesuit and, to the extent possible, my Custodian, rather than let it control me.  It was empowering, and quite a bit fun, to be a tourist, visiting New York and Paris today!  It’s corny, I know.  But to sit for the next 80+ online hours doing nothing will drive me insane.

My custodian punished me with a couple of protocol violations, but they were minor in comparison to taking control of my situation.  I don’t suspect my Custodian has taken kindly to my “independence.”  It’s just a feeling… like a whisper in a dream… but I don’t think it likes the fact that I am struggling against its control.

A quick word for my good friends – Spikey and Fi – who truly warmed my heart by offering areas of refuge over the past day.  Also Sam, Kim and Dani, who together with Spikey and Fi are being so incredibly supportive – I love you all. :)  It is tough, but easier knowing you are with me…

16 hours down

81 hours remaining

Day 2: Acquaintances vs. Friends

Today was a Monday in RL… the first weekday since my banishment.  It was quite an eye-opener. 

I maintain a page over at SLProfiles.  I have made quite a few “friends” there over the past year or so.  I posted information about my banishment for all my friends, asking for their understanding and support.  It was no surprise to any of them that I have been working through a few things (SL things, but affecting RL nonetheless… I’ve found it purely impossible to divide the emotions between the two lives).   I suspect that most who volunteer for the Banishment Program are working through something.  What ~was~ a surprise was some of the responses I received…

M.H. “It’s [Banishment] her fantasy and her fun. She has just picked it over us here on SLP and from the sound of it all her other friends in SL as well. I never will understand things like this but better it happening on line than in RL.”

S.L. “but i[n] fact you don't care what i'm thinking and what I'm feeling..

thanks Trinity


bye”

Granted, my entry into Banishment was relatively sudden and I did not expect all my friends to understand completely.  I never expected my friends to understand… but I did think they would at least be supportive of me, if not of what I was doing.

M.H.’s response was not totally unexpected as our “friendship” was based on the most superficial of terms.  It was only natural that he would be upset that he would not be getting any more out of it.

S.L.’s response was a bit more striking… we had been “friends” for months.  Clearly someone would not enter the Banishment Program for “fantasy” and “fun.”  She knew I have been having issues to work through.  Nonetheless, by the end of the day, she had removed all my postings to her in SLP, ejected me from her SL modeling group and removed me as a friend in both places.  In a span of hours, it was as if our “friendship” never existed at all.  Ridiculous, but her choice.

For me, it was a surprising breath of fresh air… beginning to learn who my true friends are… and who have been just acquaintances… and the differences between the two:

Acquaintances may not understand you, and will not care about you as a result

Friends may not understand you, but will lend their support to you nonetheless.

 

Acquaintances can be selfish

Friends are selfless

 

When storm clouds form overhead, acquaintances will drift towards fairer weather.

Friends will stand by you with an umbrella.

As for friends... thank you, Miss Dani, for your comment on my blog.  You made my day. :)

-----------------

Oh, and as for being a Bane?

It ~is~ hard… and lonely.

My custodian received its first update today.  An hour has been added to my sentence for protocol violations… one of which was sitting on a swing in a park.

“Try harder T-6101”

*sighs*

Day 1: Now What?

The first full day of Banishment… now what?

The inability to hear or speak is bad enough.  The lack of physical contact, though, truly makes the Banishment complete.  I find myself checking often that no one is nearby and try to TP to sims where no people are present. 

I quickly finished making some obligatory changes to my SL profile, then went about to find a nice place to call “home” during my banishment.  I found one of the most beautiful nature sims in SL… and an out-of-the-way oasis that should do just fine.

I decided to set up a photo journal on Flickr to help chronicle my experience.  It can be found at www.flickr.com/photos/trinitymcconachie.

It was a wonderful place to find after being unceremoniously ejected from the land of someone else.  After the apparent owner asked “Can I help you?,” I started running away so as not to get a protocol violation.  Before I got 10 feet… ejected.  It amazes me sometimes how odd people in SL can be (and RL for that matter).  I can understand setting no build, no script, etc. options.  Even setting security to keep people out of a land when private stuff is happening.  Even ejecting a griefer makes perfect sense.  But ejecting a docile avi just exploring?  SL is community of creativity and imagination… too bad some closed minded people here do not appreciate sharing.

Anyway, I digress.  I expect tonight will be pleasant.. sleeping next to my new pond under the palm leaves.

The Processing

I was called to begin my sentence last evening.  I had been out dancing with a new friend, who was telling me her story of a lost love.  A few months ago, her former pet… turned equal… simply vanished from SL without a word.  My friend had no idea how much her story resonated with me.

Anyway, after she left for the evening I stopped by the processing facility.  An operator was there… chatting with some people.  As I watched, I saw her walk over to the waiting list computer, pause, and then begin changing clothes… putting on more “operator-like” attire.  I just knew my time was coming.

She stood outside the processing facility and directed me to report, cuffing my hands when I arrived.  Several times, before we started, she gave me the option of prison rather than Banishment.  For me, it was not even a close call.  I knew – for many reasons – that this was my fate.  Banishment.

I only had a couple of minutes to say goodbye.  I was only able to send a few cards to people to handle some of my affairs while I serve my sentence.  I’m so sorry to my friends I left before being able to say farewell.  I will try to sneak you a notecard now and then to let you know I am ok.

One of the people I sent a card to was Miss Button… asking her to keep my stall for me at the Farm.  She IM’d me quickly before processing began to let me know not to worry about my stall there.  I know it sounds silly… but it meant so much for me to know that.

As for the processing itself… I am sworn to secrecy.  I must confess, though… nervousness led to surrender, which led to excitement, especially after my banesuit was fitted on me.  Literally skin tight, it completely exposes my every curve to whoever sees me.  At the same time, it protects me from the outside world… holding me safely.  My operator ran her hands over my body after the banesuit was attached.  She is absolutely stunning… beautiful red hair and such perfect legs.  To be touched by her like that would have been so erotic… so arousing… I longed for it in the moment.  Except that… I couldn’t feel it.  The banesuit… cutting off all sensation from the outside.  I could not even feel myself.

Then… I was released.  My sentence started… 96 SL hours.  In RL time, I realize I may be spending months serving my sentence.  It is my fate… something I know I need to do.  I only need to remember to be at peace with my custodian, so as not to extend my sentence much with violations.

Outside the facility, there was a familiar face.  One of my sweetest friends – Spikeheel Starr – who had just finished serving a sentence a few weeks ago.  I can’t contact her and she can’t contact me, but just seeing her there meant so much… and she knows it.  Love you Spikey, so much!

It was so late by now, so I found my way to a tree in an open meadow… nothing around and hopefully no one traveling by when I wake up.  Curling up under the branches, I drifted to sleep.

What Is This All About?

These are my diaries as a Bane – T-6101 – in Second Life, part of The Banishment Program headed by Marine Kelley.

It is based on an online novel called Eudeamon.  It is available for free at www.evil-dolly.com/Eudeamon.doc.

Marine’s description of the story on her blog does it such justice:

“Eudeamon. A novel about... it's difficult to explain. It's about unconditional love, of course, loneliness, rebirth... and a flavor of latex. It's not a fetish novel, and is certainly not meant to be erotic (there are like a handful of such paragraphs). The story is brilliant, the background, rock-solid. Available online for free, it's quite long (91 pages) but you'll read it in one day like I did. The author should really start to write books for a living if you ask me. Don't hesitate to congratulate her… Now why am I talking about this novel? Well, because the book... shook me a little. In a positive way. It's definitely food for thoughts, the kind of book that makes you think about yourself, how you perceive others, what your kinks really mean... It gives you a glance about sub-space, about isolation, despair and how to transcend them, about the limits of human sanity. Like meditation. I feel better now that I've read this book although I cannot clearly point out why. But who cares. Read this book, and you'll know.”

I read the book and the main character really stuck with me.  Marine and The Banishment Program staff have undertaken quite an effort to bring the story to SL.  I could not resist but to experience Katrina’s experience.

So, these are the diaries of T-6101… my experiences as a Bane.

I hope all my friends (most of whom I did not have an opportunity to fully say goodbye to) know how much I love them and that I apologize for leaving so abruptly.  I hope you will understand and that you will still be there when my sentence is over.