Day 18: Miss Trixie

It took awhile to get around to writing this blog.  The main reason I entered Banishment.  Spikey knows.  Most others do not.  A friend sent me a message, describing her relationship with a significant other.  I copied it, below.  It made me think that it was finally time to write this blog.

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“Yes, what ____ and I have is extraordinary… What sucks is we maybe get 1 or 2 overlapping hours together In World. And of that, _____ is usually working during at least half of it. I don’t want ____ to alter or adjust anything - it just is what it is. And so, when I am on and _____ is on, _____ gets my undivided attention and presence. 

That means I have a lot of other time, to wander around, and get into trouble, and doing so all by myself can get boring, and fast.

________ and I have talked about this issue, and agree, that as long as we remain loyal to each other when we can simultaneously be on, then ANYTHING else we do during all that other time will serve, for lack of a better way of putting it, to make us more enriched, happier, well rounded individuals.

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Fill in the blanks with “Miss Trixie” and you may start to understand why I am where I am.  It has been about a week since I wrote this.  I could not post it until I could get by reading it once without crying.  I have just now, barely, reached that point.  Well, not really.  But I think it's time... that I finally need to post this.

I met Trixie Attenborough a little over a year ago.  On June 27, after a good deal of begging and groveling on my part, she locked her collar around my neck… making me her pet… her only pet… her girl.  For those not familiar with BDSM… I was her submissive… and she was my Mistress.

We did not share a traditional SL D/s relationship for long.  Although I was always her pet, first and foremost, we eventually fell in love with one another.  Our months together were pure bliss.  Miss Trixie’s happiness was my happiness.  Thinking of ways to make Miss Trixie smile was my joy.  Fondling the name tag on my collar… “Trinity, Owned by Trixie”… was Miss Trixie’s joy.  Beyond friendship, our times together were erotic beyond description.

RL time constraints started becoming quite demanding.  Miss Trixie realized she was not around as much as we both wanted her to be here.  She gave her girl free reign to do “anything” she wanted while she was offline.  Miss Trixie’s only condition was that her girl always keep her collar on.  To have such freedom, I learned from a number of other Masters and Mistresses, was quite an unusual gift.  Many commented on how special our relationship must be for Miss Trixie to permit that.  They were right.

Miss Trixie was truly one-of-a-kind and very much touched the lives of those whose paths she crossed.  Whenever we traveled in her circles, friends or strangers would merely introduce me as “Trixie’s girl.”  People automatically knew who I was.

“Trixie’s girl.”  I cannot even describe how proud that made me.  You need to understand, Miss Trixie was never the prototypical leather clad dominatrix.  When not in her “proper” equestrian attire, she most often dressed as if she were off to afternoon tea or, other times, a business meeting.  Underneath her outfits, however, was a very strict, but loving, Mistress.  I loved how high class she was… in turn, it made me high class by definition… not just another pet on a leash that is so often found in SL.

RL times constraints grew even tighter… oftentimes I would stay up until 2 am or later RL time just in the hope of seeing her come online.  Oftentimes she would be busy responding to notecards from business partners, but would always make time to see me or IM me before heading to sleep herself.  One or both of us would sometimes start nodding off while at our computers.  I learned from Spikey that, in the end, Miss Trixie’s inworld time was so limited that she could only have time to send “her girl” – me – a notecard.

Even after a week or so of absence, she would always came back to see me.  After her absences, she would remind me that she would never abandon her pet… and highlight that she wanted me to know that.

Things changed a couple of months ago.  After no word from Miss Trixie for several days, I checked the “last login” date for her in several groups where we shared membership.  She was no longer listed.  Miss Trixie’s profile was still in SL (at least under the “new” search option), but her listings in group profiles was gone.  I contacted several of her friends, but no one has heard from her.  The past couple of months… my eyes helplessly darting to the right bottom of my screen everytime the blue box popped up to announce a new friend logging in… compulsively scrolling down my Friends list to “T” to see if Miss Trixie was online every time I logged in… have been excruciating.   I suspect I will never stop looking for her name in bold on my friends list.

I recently thought about trying to contact her in RL.  Over time she disclosed details of her life to me that allowed me to figure out who she probably is.  An online directory of attorneys helped.  I thought the better of it, though, as Miss Trixie tried hard to keep RL and SL separate... at least with respect to identities.  One important lesson Miss Trixie taught was that there is no separating RL and SL emotions.  I realized I would just be contacting her purely for selfish reasons.  Either Miss Trixie’s RL had become so busy in a good way that she no longer has time to fit in SL or something devastating happened to her.  I have chosen to believe the former and believe in my heart that she is very happy right now… I could not bear to believe otherwise.

Anyway, several months ago, before Miss Trixie’s absence, I swore to myself that I would permanently sign off of SL if she ever left.  She was my everything in SL.  “Trixie’s girl.”  I could never envision continuing without being that.

She doesn’t know this yet, but Spikey was the sole reason at one point that I did not just leave for good.  She “paid it forward” (she knows exactly what I mean) and, since then, I have been finding more reasons to stay.  Nonetheless, a huge part of my identity… my very being… has been lost.  I know some friends want me to stay, but at the same time I still felt a strong urge just to let SL go.  I’m looking for a way to cope with what my mind has known for months but my heart refused to accept… Miss Trixie is gone.

Banishment has been my opportunity to be inworld, without actually “being” inworld.  Trying to find the way to move on.  Finding the courage to be without Mistress.  Whether my SL life will continue without a Mistress… and whether I would even want another one.  There are very few genuine dommes in SL… now there is one less.  What I do know is that the friends I have keep me moving forward.

Banishment is a safe place for me now.  A place where I can weep in peace.  A place where I can travel to “our” past spots and reflect on the loss.  A place where I can withdraw for a time.  A place where I can try to come to grips with speaking of Miss Trixie in the past tense.

Your girl will always love you, Miss Trixie… you always made your girl happy.